so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
