tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
