A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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