i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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