I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
