I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
