I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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