I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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