Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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