You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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