So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
