Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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