Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
