Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
