I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
