He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
