Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
