my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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