wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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