I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
handjob tips. give me some.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
