I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
