Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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