its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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