Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
