ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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