we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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