I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
