The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
