I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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