everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
