just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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