Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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