i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
