the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I looked at my own cervix.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
