what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
