just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We got so high we made milksteak
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
