fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
