I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
