So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
