It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
