I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
