I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
