hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
