one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
