There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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