I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
