Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm like, not good at living.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
