when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
