woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
