but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
